Okay…maybe not silently.

If you know me, then you know my disdain for poor grammar.  I realize that makes me sound snobby.  I will even concede that there are times when I am not always perfect.  But I try, readers. I try very hard. ( I also realize that just writing a blog about grammar is going to trigger some of my journalist/writer friends who can have whole conversations about their loyalty to the Oxford comma and how to sign your name on a Christmas card).

I also have a hard time refraining from correcting others. My mom was an English teacher and it shows.  What is interesting is that while my mom was teaching me that “forte” is pronounced “fort” not “for-tay” (Yes! Unless you are referring to music, this is really how you are supposed to say it!), my dad was asking me to make him a sangwich or hangabur. I once saw a list he made where he spelled breakfast “breakface.”

I am the person other people roll their eyes behind.  I’m sorry.  I like English and writing and reading and grammar and all sorts of things to do with language. Here we go…

Language: Grammar

This topic comes up for me especially around Valentine’s Day. It is amazing to me how many grown adults say Valentime’s Day. I do not understand this. I do not understand how educated and intelligent people say things like “supposably.”  Supposably is not a word, no matter what Joey from Friends thinks. After you read this blog you may be disoriented but I guarantee you will not be DISORIENTATED. (By the way, spell check on this entry has been a nightmare).

“I should of ordered an expresso.” Actually, you SHOULD HAVE ordered an ESPRESSO…. so you DIDN’T look like a DUMBASS.  “Him and I will have the orange sherbert.” Nope. Him won’t be ordering anything I’m afraid. Especially a SHERBERT. How about a SHERBET instead? Listen, it is never ever ok to say Him and I.  Never ever ever. I don’t care what Halsey says. I mean, it’s a catchy tune, but a GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT catchy tune. Conversely, don’t throw in an “I” just to do it. “He wanted to take Jill and I to the store.”  Nope again. I’m sorry. You don’t sound intelligent you sound like Jethro trying to fit in around Beverly Hills.

Language: Corporate Speak

This is something that has gone too far. Can we stop with the corporate speak?   It’s annoying to me and I don’t even have a job where I have to endure it every day.

Circle the wagons? Dude, you make $200K and work in the Willis Tower, you don’t even know what a wagon looks like.

You have to get your ducks in a row?  What exactly is this a reference to? Carnivals?  Are we going hunting?  Does PETA know about this?

Ping her.  This one is my favorite. I mean, come on.  Is ping that much faster to say than text? Did we really need an alternative? Aren’t you just trying to sound cool at this point?

Low hanging fruit.  This makes me imagine something low and hanging all right but it’s not fruit. I can’t even say what it is in this blog.

I STILL don’t know what “put a deck” together means. For some reason, I have this vision of Isaac and Gopher on the Lido deck shuffling cards.

Don’t tell me something isn’t in your wheelhouse.  Just tell me “I’m no good at that.”

Brick and Mortar.  Fancy fancy fancy.  I mean, really? How many of these executives know anything about actual construction? How about just saying “building.” Plus, I just confuse this with pestle and mortar.

B to B?  Back to Bed? Bed and breakfast? Who knows?

Do you know how long it took me to understand that my friends who are in high level corporate jobs were not actually operating at Sea Level? Or were working in a Sea Suite at their company?

When did bandwidth become a word for the general public and not just for the Nick your company computer guy?

Let’s think outside the box..why? What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!!

Language: Regional Dialect and Laziness

Now, I realize that some mispronunciations are just regional idiosyncrasies.  I have lived in Michigan, Boston, and Chicago; and everywhere is different.  After a couple of years on the East Coast it’s very easy to pick up what I refer to as “lazy speak.”  I started leaving the “r” off of a lot of words because it was just easier. Whatevah.  Whenevah.

I never realized Michiganders had an accent until I lived in other states and people started pointing it out to me.  (I mean, let’s face it.  We are not known for our accents.  You’ve never seen a SNL game show skit about the guy with the hilarious Michigan accent.)  We are hard on our As and smoosh a lot of words together in our own lazy way. garage=grage    mirror=meer   did you=didja  clothes=cloze

In Michigan we go to the bathroom.  In Chicago they use the washroom.  We drink Faygo and get beer at the “party store.” In Boston they drink soder and get beeyah at the packie. Shockingly, you can only order a Boston Cooler at a Michigan Dairy Queen.  I dare you to find it elsewhere.  It’s Vernors pop (Yes..we say “pop”) and vanilla ice cream.  When you ask us where we’re from, we show you on our hand.  Not because we want to, but because we know you expect us to.

We all wear different things on our feet: Chicagoans wear da gym shoes on der feet. Michiganders wear tennishoes.  Bostonians whair wicked awesome sneakahs.

But the biggest difference I’ve seen is how natives give directions:

Giving directions in Michigan: 

Go down Woodward and tayka Michigan left past tha Coney on tha corner.  It’s right next tah Krogers.  It’s about 10 minutes away.

In Boston:

Take a hahd right at the rotary and go pahst the Dunkin Donuts.  Bang a right. 

In Chicago: (except I still haven’t figured this place out yet) I’m in pink:

Hi.  Can you tell me how to get to Jewel?  

The Jewels?  Sure. Take the Eisenhower east—-Okay wait.  Which one is that?  Is that 88?  Can you just tell me the numbers?  I don’t see that name on my map anywhere.   No. That’s the Reagan.  The 290 is the Eisenhower.  Take that about 5 miles.  Okay..like how long is that?  Like when do I know when to look for it?  Is that like five minutes?  No, maybe like 45 minutes? Five miles will be 45 minutes??!!  Yeah.  You gotta go through the Hillside strangler.  There’s a bottleneck.  After you get off the exit go south. Can you just tell me which way to turn?  Is that a right or a left?  I don’t understand “south.” Well the Lake is east. OK which lake? THE Lake!! Ok ok, but there are a lot of tall buildings and I can’t see THE Lake.  Well, first find the Sears Tower.   You mean the Willis Tower?

Thankfully, I have adjusted after 20 years here. There are phones with apps to tell me where to go and where to park. I get to live vicariously through my kids during their English and Reading homework.  It feels like home.

And the corporate speak? Ted uses it often in basic conversation. I find it amusing but also annoying. It just seems a bit pretentious.  But what am I going to do? Ask him to stop? I mean, it’s irritating; but quite frankly, it’s not the hill I want to die on.  🙂