Once I had kids, I stopped watching television.  There simply wasn’t time. But recently we decided to revamp all of our tech at home and get rid of cable.  We settled on DirecTV and Netflix.  Suddenly, I have become a TV junkie, binge-watching new shows like The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and discovering old shows like The Office.  I finally feel like I can contribute to conversations that involve discussions about something other than Dude Perfect and Girl Meets World.

However, there is one show I have never seen.  Some of you may have heard of it.  It’s called Game of Thrones.  It just finished its last season and it’s all I’ve been hearing about for the past few weeks.  Apparently, die-hard fans were conflicted on how the show was wrapping up.  I have never seen an episode.  Although I do have an interest in fantasy-based TV shows, GoT just never seemed that compelling to me.  And at this point, I’m not sure I have the dedication to go back and watch eight seasons worth of complicated storylines and characters with unusual names dying every episode.  Besides, I don’t have HBO.

But last week my brother texted me and asked me if I had seen the most recent episode. (Second to the last one).  Below you’ll find the text of our conversation.  I mean, you have to be pretty worked up to complain this much to someone who doesn’t even watch the show.  Please excuse his language.  He was very upset.

So I decided to watch the final episode to see what all the fuss is about.

The first thing I did was subscribe to a one-week trial of HBO. There’s no way I’m going to start paying for a new channel just to see the last episode of Game of Thrones.  I’m sure I’m not the only who has “tried out” a new channel just to see a show or two and then cancel.

Sunday night arrived and I settled in on the couch to watch.  The kids were off doing their own thing and Ted went to bed early because he didn’t feel good.  Apparently, no one told him if you eat a whole bag of salty sunflower seeds over the weekend there is a good chance you will get a swollen tongue and sores in your mouth.

The first thing I see is the guy from Elf.  Elf guy is walking around a city that has been destroyed.  He’s digging around in the rubble looking for something.  He comes across a couple who died while hugging à la those two old people in Titanic.  It’s clear they are important to him and he is sad.  I wonder about the back story of the guy from Elf.  Is he a mystical creature or is he just a regular little person?  Do they have a little people in this world?

Next scene: Jon Snow is heading to a castle.  I know him because everyone knows him whether you watch the show or not and also he was on SNL.  At this point I text my brother a single sentence: “So far this is dumb.”  I guess it’s just a bit more slow-moving than what I was expecting considering the hype.

Right after I type that some sort of flying dragon screeches through the sky and scares the crap out of me.

Okay, now we are getting somewhere. The queen is on screen and she’s an angry queen.  She speaking Elvish maybe and I have no idea what she is talking about even with the subtitles.  This is also the first time I hear about “breaking the wheel.”  I hear this phrase many times throughout the episode and unfortunately never figure out if it is a euphemism for something or if there is an ACTUAL wheel that has to be broken.

Suddenly Ted comes out of his slumber to join me.  He watches for five minutes and then leaves, stating, “I’ve seen this before. When it was called Lord of the Rings.”

Back to the show.  The guy from Elf rips off his golden-hand badge in fury, I assume symbolizing he has quit the evil-queen club.  The bad guys take him away.  And I’m pretty sure Miles Finch is headed toward his death.

HOLY HELL!!!  THE CABLE GOES OUT!!

Ok.  It was only a minute or so and I didn’t miss anything important. Other than the first eight seasons. HAHA.

So now I’m having two thoughts at once. First, maybe I should stop watching NOW and go back eight seasons. I’m getting kind of into this.  But can I get through them all in the six days left of my HBO trial?  I doubt it.  Second, maybe I should keep HBO.  They have some pretty good shows. This is how they suck you in. This free trial week is no joke.  These cable guys know what they’re doing.

So now Jon Snow kisses the queen and….what…is she dead??  Ok, so I had to back that scene up as I thought maybe it was a poisoned kiss and I didn’t realize he stabbed her. Too many Disney movies I guess.  The queen is dead and somehow the dragon is subconsciously alerted to this and it looks like Jon Snow is going to be toast.  Literally.  But, no.  Instead, it’s bye bye Iron Throne.

SIDE NOTE: As I am watching, I do have to wonder how there is an imbalance of power when one person has a dragon.   I mean, couldn’t this whole show have ended in season one if you just had your dragon burn down all your enemies?

Anyway, now is the time for the elders to decide the fate of Middle Earth and I guess they decide that democracy is not going to happen.  Somehow after eight seasons and tons of battles, they all easily agree that a KID IN A WHEELCHAIR with NO DRAGON is going to be the ruler.  But the Iron Throne is gone so I guess the homemade wooden wheelchair will have to do.  Jon Snow is banished. The girl with the eyebrows is going all Ponce de León on us.  And the last girl is going off to marry Joe Jonas.

It ends with a lady filling in her 23 and Me scrapbook and a big meeting where everyone decides on their jobs pretty easily: Master of Whisperers. Master of Laws. I’m pretty sure if I were there I’d like to be Master of Cheese.

Jon Snow goes home to Hoth and sees his one-eared wolf and they head to who knows where.

My overall assessment: I could see how people would get into the show. But in the end, the throne was melted, the kid in the wheelchair is King, and I still don’t know if they broke the wheel.