I have never met a woman who looked forward to trying on bras.

Now let me stop you right here. To all the females reading: This post is going to be pretty much what you’re expecting.  You will probably relate to what I’m saying and laugh. To all the men reading:  This post is nothing like you are hoping or expecting. So if I haven’t already lost you by the title alone, I encourage you to keep reading so you can understand one of the horrors we have to go through.  But be forewarned: it very well could change your fantasy about women and lingerie.  And a special shout-out goes to my husband. I know you’re probably going to be mad I wrote this and remind me that someday our kids might read my blog, but too bad. I get to write about what I want.

So let me walk you through the inevitable process that is shopping for a new bra.

First, you make the decision that you need a new bra. Yes, I know, you already own 32 bras. But admit it, you really only wear two or three of them. If you’ve been married a while, chances are the pretty, lacy ones are at the bottom of the drawer and rarely resurface.  The “good” ones are too tight and show a LOT of back fat.  The comfortable ones are worn out and barely give support anymore. The sports bra (which you have been known to leave on all day) gives you a uni-boob.   That leaves the old beige standby.  And this one is long beyond stretched out and threadbare. Let’s face it, you are about six months past needing a new one.

So when you finally make the decision to go buy a new bra, the next step is where to go.  If you are a regular-type lady, you might go to Victoria’s Secret to get your bras.  If you are the full-figured type, you are headed to a Department Store.

Now let me start by saying to those of you with smaller chests: SHUT UP.  Stop thinking we ample ladies are humble-bragging.  We are not. We are uncomfortable. Our backs hurt.  We can’t wear spaghetti straps or halter tops unless we want to be pulling up our strapless bra 238 times a day.  We can’t find our sizes easily in stores.  Very few colors are in stock for us.  Our bras cost a fortune. (Why is that?  All the extra material?) And going braless? Forget it.  I mean honestly, if there were a fire in the middle of the night and we had to run out in our pajamas (braless) to save ourselves, the flames wouldn’t be the primary emergency.  So what I am saying is, it isn’t as great as you think it is.  I guarantee, trying on bras is much worse for us than for you.

So the other day I head to Nordstrom and start browsing. As I am trying to inconspicuously look for my size, a saleslady approaches me. Michelle, it seems, was just leaving for her lunch break, but she is the rep for this brand so she will stay and help me.  She is carrying her purse and does not have on a name tag and the thought does cross my mind that this lady with her bag slung over her shoulder the whole time she is measuring me is not really a rep at all and is just some weirdo trying to get in the dressing rooms. But I just go with it.  Did I mention she also has a coat on? Yes. She does. But I figure a lady with no name tag carrying a purse while helping you is not the worst thing that could happen while trying on bras.

Now at this point, she asks me if I want to be measured. They always do. You may or may not agree to this humiliation depending on your confidence level and modesty level. Note: your bra size will change based on who sizes you. You will think that you have finally solved the problem only to find out the next time you go shopping for bras or the next time you watch Oprah that you have been wearing the wrong size all along.  

For the men still reading, here is what ACTUALLY happens in that dressing room. Not what you think or hope. (Well actually I don’t know. Maybe it IS what you think and hope. Who knows? When it comes to boobs, boys get weird).

The bra expert/stranger takes a freezing cold measuring tape and wraps it around your chest over the boobs. She then disappears and returns with the bras. I would imagine at this point if you are a C or under she brings in a plethora of different styles of bras in a variety of colors and price points. If you are me, she brings in three beige or black bras that look like life preservers and cost more than the Kate Spade handbag you would rather be buying.

And by the way, did you know there is a size beyond DD? And DDD? And E???!!! Oh yes, sizes go up to H as far as I am aware.  Who knows, it might be higher, but they do not carry that size at your average department store.

Now she helps clasp it. I don’t know why this happens only with bras. I have never had a salesperson help zip up a pair of pants for me or button a blouse for me. This is embarrassing and humiliating but this is the way that it works.  I do not know who invented this.  If you are less voluptuous I imagine you can snap your own bra with ease, or at least do that junior high thing where you snap it in front first and then slide it around to the back.  But if you are big-chested, you are going to have a three-inch band that is reminiscent of a powerlifting belt and you might need help hooking that sucker up.  (Now you can always just take the bras from the saleslady and close the door, but that wouldn’t make for a funny blog.)

Then she asks me what I think. This is one of those times where it feels like there is a right or wrong answer. Like when you take an eye test and they ask you “Which looks better, one or two?” and switch back and forth. Do I like this bra or not? Does it fit me? I don’t know, does it? How do I know? You just said I have been wearing the wrong size for three years!!

“It feels a little loose and big,” I say.

“No,” she says. “You can’t go smaller,” and she proceeds to cinch me tight to show me how a smaller size would feel.

I knew it. Wrong answer.

“Do you have this in any other colors?”

“Not in your size. Just nude and black.”

Every time.

The Layman’s Guide to Bras:

Push-up: So this is for when you want to be sexy.  Not a lot of need for this one for moms in the carpool lane. Not that it can’t be used in private; but in public, this bra isn’t too useful for you after a certain age without getting stares.  However, if you are wearing this bra, that tells me you are looking for some stares, so this is the one to go for.  Now we big-bosomed ladies tend to spill over already, so push-up bras don’t really make sense for us.  Plus, there just isn’t a lot of space for them to go.  If we WERE to attempt to push our boobs up, they would be hitting us somewhere under our chin.  So I say no to this one personally.

Sports: Good for running or exercising. Not great if you leave on all day due to laziness or thinking you will work out but then not actually ever getting around to it. Could cause back or neck pain. Causes uni-boob.

Strapless: Cuts into your skin. Lots of spillover, possibly leading the dreaded “four-boob illusion,” where half the boob is over the cup and half is inside the cup.  May not be able to withstand your boob weight for an entire evening.

Front-clasp: Front clasp = collapses under the pressure like an empty paper bag.

Minimizer: This is a busty gal’s best friend.  It flattens you a bit so that you can finally see your feet. You also tend to look slimmer since you are not so top-heavy.  Negatives are if it pushes down too much and you are slightly voluptuous (which you are or you wouldn’t be wearing this bra) you will have square boob, which is a variation of uni-boob but wider and flatter.

Full-coverage: Pros: Full coverage = Support = Curvy girl’s favorite. Cons: Lots of material. Might feel like you are wearing an all-time-built-in camisole or tank top.

The padded push-up: WHAT. THE. HECK.  If you have reached a status with a D in it you do not need padding.  Nor do you need push-up. (See above). Push-up plus padding?  Why do they even make this in sizes above B or C? Where is the boob going to go?  Right outside the cup that’s where. I don’t need extra padding on my own extra padding.

Bralette: Just break down the word.  Bra-lette. Little bra.  Nuff said. Let’s move on.

Demi-bra: Half-bra. See above. No thank you. I am not paying $74 for half a bra.

Underwire: Lift and support. Hello angel! (Warning: may also cause digging into the skin. And watch out if one of those wires breaks free of its casing. YOWZA!!)

PS: I could not find a friend who was willing to pose for a picture for this blog. I even offered to blur out their faces, but there were no takers. That is why you will have to just suffer through with some stock photos of quotes about bras. Sorry about that. Blame my friends.