Can someone please tell me why this weekend is so long? The girl and boy come home from school and never go back again. And then my dad come home from work and he stay too.  At first, it was fun but now I tired of all these hoomans in mine and mama’s house. Usually, me and mama go for rides every day but now the boy is driving and he drive scary. We go on swervy rides and lots of times we stop HARD and I fly from seat to seat.  Also, when he drives dad yells A LOT so I try not to go in the car with him but sometimes it’s hard to decide because also I want to be with mama all the time.

Now when we leave the house we only go to three places.  First is the big building with all the food inside.  I’ve never been in but I can smell it.  It smells super good so I don’t understand why all the hoomans are covering their mouths and noses up and only showing their eyes.  Maybe they don’t like good smells?  The second place they go to is the red ball store with the bullseye and the dog.  Mama likes this place A LOT.  But the best drive is the one where I get to say hi to all the hoomans in the window.  I think this is where her hooman friends live because they all say hi and know her name and then they hand her the pink drink.  I’m a little worried though because I think Mama forgot how to get to the dog park.    

Speaking of friends I can’t sniff my friends so much anymore when I go on walks.  Even though we go on SO MANY walks and there are SO MANY hoomans I want to say hi to and smell and jump on.  But mama says NO! and pulls on her chain.  She always connects herself to me with that chain when we walk so she does not get lost.  Good thing for her I have a strong hold on her and show her where to go.  

Every day we go on super long walks and one day water came crashing from the sky and mama still wanted to walk!  And used to be my private time with mama but now ALL the hoomans go on the walks.  Once mama tried to make the boy and girl take me and I say NO and just sit down HARD on the ground and stretch hard toward mama until they give up.  I’m the boss of them that’s for sure. 

Also I worried a bit about my hoomans because they are all getting bigger I think.  All day hoomans go to the big silver box and open it and close it and pull out good things and I wait at their feet and give them cutest look I have but I don’t get anything.  So many good smells at my house but always the same hard balls in my bowl.  While the hoomans are getting bigger I am shrinking because of all the walks. 

The worst part about all of this is that Mama is making everyone do jobs all day.  EVEN ME!!!  Mama decided she wants to teach me to talk.  I don’t need to talk she already understands everything I say.   When I scratch on door it means, “Go outside.” When I jump on her over and over it means, “Pet me.” When I see her chain I bark loud and hard and it means “I want to go on a walk.”  When I run to the back door it means, “I want to go in the car with you.”  How many other things do I need to tell her?

I guess mama does not agree because the other day she put a round ball on the floor by my treat cupboard.  But the ball doesn’t roll it just sits there.  Then mama steps on it and it says TREAT and sound just like mama!!  Mama steps on that ball all the time when she gives me a treat.  I don’t know why she does that.  Once I sniffed the ball too close and my nose touched it and I heard TREAT and all the hoomans got very excited and yelling and I guess I did something good because I got a treat!  I think they want me to step on this button all the time when I want treats but why?  Why would I do that when I have been getting treats the easy way all this time?

I hope this weekend over soon.  I miss my friends and quiet time and naps and dog park and nice car rides.  I hear the hoomans say it’s only been one month.  I think they forget that’s like seven months for me.

The ball toy mama make me push for treats.

The dishes seem to ALMOST make it to the sink, but not quite.

If this is the time we should be taking care to be the cleanest we can be…why is everything going downhill so quickly?

Day Eleven (Tuesday, March 24th)

I will admit that we have cleaning ladies who come every two weeks.  Of course, they have not come since the quarantine and this shows when you walk into my house.  Last week, we all chipped in and it went great.  No one complained and our house looked surprisingly clean.  It was so painless, in fact, that at the time I actually considered permanently canceling them.  “Hey, this is awesome,” I thought, “I can save myself some cash and it really isn’t that bad when everyone does their part.”

This week that theory has been greatly tested.  The dirt on the floor and scum in the bathtub is building up.  Which is I guess what happens when four people and a dog rarely leave the house.  In a weak moment, I consider asking the ladies to come over.  I think about how we could all (dog included) just sit in the driveway for two hours and wait for them to be done.  I mean, they are coming with BLEACH and SANITIZER!  What could be safer??  I am helping a small business thrive and our house gets clean!  Win-Win!  It seems rational at the time.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I decide against it when I realize how bored I will be sitting on the driveway for so long.

Day Twelve (Wednesday, March 25th)

Today marks the day I ask myself, “Is it really necessary to shower?”

Day Thirteen (Thursday, March 26th)

Today is the day I stop wearing jeans and move over to yoga pants.  I can’t believe I held out for so long.

Day Fourteen (Friday, March 27th)

At this point, I am eating just to survive.  Nothing is really enjoyable and no matter how many times I walk to the pantry or open the fridge, the same food stares back at me. Not having the opportunity to go out to eat wears hard on our spirits and its amazing that we depend so much on dining out for our happiness. On the other hand, our newfound love for baking has increased, along with my girth.  Also, it is crazy to me that I spent over $300 on groceries last week and our fridge is empty.  Just how much are we eating??

Where is all our food??

Day Fifteen (Saturday, March 28th)

Although my kids have been awesome considering our situation, they still aren’t putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher even though we have been working on this for 11 days (and 11 years.)  Today I discover there are four stages of loading the dishwasher.

Stage one: Bring your dishes to the kitchen.  My kids are really good about this and have been at this stage for years.

Stage two: Put the dishes in the sink, not just next to it.  This is the stage we are working on.  I have told them numerous times not to stack the dishes on the small counter space next to the sink but they do it anyway.  We have had tutorials on how to load the dishwasher. Nope.  Still next to the sink.

I am constantly cleaning dishes. This was taken before noon and it’s already crowded.

Stage three/four: Rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher.  These two stages should always go together.  You should not have one without the other.  (Hence, stage three/four.) But this is not always the case.  This, by the way, is Ted’s favorite stage.  In fact, he rinses and cleans dishes off SO well that 75% of the time I cannot distinguish between clean and dirty dishes.  More than once I have emptied half of the load to suddenly notice something greasy and discover it was actually dirty.  Now if I’m not sure I resort to the “Athena test,” which is calling the dog in and seeing if she sniffs and walks away or starts licking everything (also known in our house as the “pre-wash.”)

Side Note:   I actually had to call Teddy back into the kitchen THREE TIMES today to get him to put his dish in the dishwasher. The first time he only put his dish in the sink.  The second time he rinsed it off and placed in back in the sink.  The third time he actually put in in the dishwasher.  Victory is mine!

Day Sixteen (Sunday, March 29th)

Today I receive the not unexpected news that my hair appointment has been canceled.   As mentioned earlier, I have already switched out of constricting pants. I haven’t had my nails done in weeks.  Never mind the fact that by the time this quarantine is over I am going to have a full-on mustache and unibrow. Honestly, its the first time relatives are going to tell me I look more like my dad than my mom. Vanity is out the window.

Warning: If you hear about any Groucho Marx sightings on Next-Door, don’t worry.  It’s just me.

My kids have been getting along and getting creative. Here they area during a Lego bridge building competition. Notice Franny has her phone and earbuds right by her hand.

You may have noticed I adjusted the title a bit.  I think we can all agree that at this point, using the word “vacation” is an insult to the travel industry.  Therefore, let’s go with “lockdown.” We can reassess on Friday.

It’s the weekend!!  Days Seven through Nine (March 20th, 21st, 22nd)

Honestly, does it even matter that it’s the weekend?  The only difference is that Ted seems to be paying a little bit more attention to us.  We end up watching church services online and both kids have Sunday school lessons.  The highlight of the quarantine so far is on Sunday when we make a last-minute decision to surprise one of Franny’s besties with a birthday car-parade past her house. It is dark and snowy (yes, it snowed here, bonus!) and we hop in the car at 6pm with a big sign saying “Happy birthday!”  We shoot a last-minute text to a group of her friends and five minutes later six cars drive by, girls hanging out windows and sunroofs yelling “happy birthday,” holding up signs, honking horns incessantly, until she comes to the door. It truly was the high point of this quarantine and I had tears in my eyes seeing the love and friendship these girls have for each other.

Day Ten (Monday, March 23rd)

Back to reality.  It comes as no surprise that the things that are normally pet peeves of mine have been heightened in our secluded world.  Each person (and animal) in the family is grating on my last nerve.  First, believe it or not, is Franny.  She and I are very close, and she is generally easy-going, kind and helpful.  And even when she loses it, it’s usually because she is tired or hungry.  But, boy can that girl talk.  A lot.  I mean A LOT.  I mean, ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME.

Things she talks about: What she is doing, what she is thinking, what she saw on TV, what she saw on YouTube, what happened yesterday and lest we forgot, what happened a few minutes ago (which by the way, I actually WITNESSED HAPPEN a few minutes ago!)  She starts talking as soon as she wakes up and doesn’t stop.  I recently learned she even talks IN HER SLEEP.  And yes, the irony is not lost on me. There might be a certain blogger who also likes to talk.

Teddy, on the other hand, who is often moody and solitary, has become more open and even-keeled.  Unfortunately, his habit of asking what we are having for dinner has become more irritating than ever because of our close quarters.  Before the quarantine, it was the first thing he would ask when he would get home from school. Now, he asks it at around noon.  Since we are surviving on a diet of all of his favorite foods I don’t understand the problem. When is dinner?  What’s for dinner?  Can we have dinner?  It’s a depressing reminder that I will be making dinner for the rest of my life.  In fact, I once figured out that if I live till I’m 70, even if we eat out twice a week, I will still have to think of 5742 dinners before I die.

The dog, who is my best friend, (wait, let me amend that, I am HER best friend), has been acting wonky.  She is following me around even more than usual and can’t seem to figure out why I am sharing my love with others.  Social distancing is not in her lexicon.

Shockingly, the person who is bugging me the least is Ted. Generally, when he is home he likes to follow me around.  Thankfully that hasn’t been happening too much.  In fact, the only annoying thing so far has also been amusing: Watching him try and adapt to a standard stay-at-home lunch.  Even before the quarantine, Ted struggled with eating lunch at home.  For many years he would seem confused about why we weren’t having a full meal at lunchtime.  Where is the three-course meal of soup and salad and a hot sandwich?  Where is the appetizer?  (He mentioned to me that when he was little his mom would make burgers in the morning for him to take to school.  Ummm, that ain’t happening here, mister.  Eat your peanut butter sandwich like everyone else).  So this being the first time he has been home during the day for a significant amount of time, he is bewildered.  The other day, his attempt at a “sandwich” was three slices of American cheese on a hamburger bun.  I noticed later he had added chips and salsa to the INSIDE of the sandwich.  Help me.

One week down.  Two to go?

Day Four: (Tuesday, March 17th)

Today I decide to put on makeup. I don’t really know why since I have been wearing the same clothes for three days.  But even though I am doing my part in conserving detergent, somehow the laundry is piling up.  How can so many clothes be dirty when WE AREN’T EVEN LEAVING THE HOUSE?? I call a family meeting to discuss laundry rules: Pajamas can be worn more than once.  Pants can probably be worn twice.  Shirts and underwear go in the laundry at the end of the day.  People pretend to listen.

Speaking of rules, it has only been four days and the “stockpile” of food I wrestled for last week is diminishing faster than you can say, “Who ate the last apple?” Which happens to be exactly what I say when things come to a head.  Like some sort of combat warlord, I start telling the kids they can have only one non-water drink a day.  “These Gatorade and ICEE’s and La Croix are expensive and not meant for casual drinking!!  I show my proficiency for homeschooling by inserting division into everyday conversation. If we have a total of 30 cans and bottles, at four people having two a day, we will be out in FOUR DAYS, people!”

Meanwhile, Franny has continued to keep her earbuds in non-stop.  Even while doing homework she is talking to her friends.  Most of the time I can’t tell if she’s talking to me or them.  When she doesn’t have the earbuds in, she is face-timing with them.  I make a mental note to make sure I am always dressed when I walk into her room after I see a friend’s dad in the background of one of the calls.

Day Five: (Wednesday, March 18th)

By Wednesday I have lost track of what day it is.  Are we at the weekend yet?  Is it still March?  Did I miss a big holiday or anything?  It rains all day so being stuck inside is making things worse. And even though the days are long, for some reason the evening always seems to arrive too quickly with my kids asking, “What’s for dinner?”

Menu I made to make things seem more fun around the house.  Notice all the meat crossed out as my attempt to be funny!  It did not work. They tossed it aside and asked for plain waffles.

Did I mention we are fasting from meat for Lent?  As if it weren’t bad enough to be sitting around eating all day with nowhere to go, we are surviving on carbs and junk food.  I started out with high hopes that I would create a meal plan of 14 healthy and varied meals and rotate through them three times leaving some days for leftovers and eating out. Unfortunately, eating out is no longer an option. And “left-overs” don’t really exist with four people in the house.  Add that to the fact that my kids don’t want to eat anything with eggs, tuna, or beans in it, and we are down to a rotation of pizza, pasta, and soup and salad every three days.  Not even kidding.  I am like Fat Bastard over here shouting at everything in my line of sight, “Get in my BELLY!”

Day Six (Thursday, March 19th) 

It’s raining again.  If it weren’t for this being another e-learning day, I would be huddled in the corner in the fetal position.  This is the day I hit my low point.  (But remember, I am blogging a week behind here, so hindsight has shown me I am nowhere near my low point).  Adding to my irritation,  Ted has been randomly quoting The Shawshank Redemption to anyone and no one.  I finally reach the end of my patience and yell “Just so you know, the more you talk the more you end up in the blog!  Anything you say CAN and WILL be used against you!”

But those stories I will save for next week. 🙂

Day Two (Sunday, March 15th)

Day Two starts much the same as Day One, except we don’t sleep in as late.  I refuse to give up my routine of my daily Starbucks. At this point, the stores are still open and I can drive-thru and just spray down my drink when I get home.  It’s a sunny day and we go for a family walk with the dog and wave to the rest of the neighborhood from six feet away.  Franny builds another fort in her bedroom and Teddy and Ted drive around a bit so Teddy can get credit for some Driver’s Ed hours.  We finish our Monopoly game and start Risk.

I peruse Facebook to see that even though it’s only been two days, people are taking advantage of the free time and using Facebook for what it’s truly meant for: making you feel bad about yourself.  One person remodeled her entire bathroom yesterday.  Another one painted her living room.  Someone taught herself to knit and has draped the entire neighborhood canine society in scarves.  Don’t forget about the lady who made a scavenger hunt inside her house for her kids.  My feed is filled with Rube Goldberg machines made voluntarily.  What on earth?  Coloring and art projects and homemade applesauce.  Here I am feeling good about the fact I have taken over Europe in Risk, meanwhile, Next-Door-Nancy has already sewed 400 face masks for the local senior citizen home!  Not even a pandemic can stop the competition.

I decide to start MY big project for the day which is cleaning the refrigerator.  It ends up taking me five days.  Pop quiz: How soon after you clean the doors of the fridge will the handles become sticky again?  Answer: About five minutes.

This is pretty close to how it went down:

3pm: Wipe down handles                                                                                                       3:15pm: Notice they are sticky and wipe them down again.                                          3:20pm: Notice they are crusty and wipe them down again.                                          3:25pm: Notice they are sticky and wipe them down again.

You get the picture. For a group of people who are supposed to be washing their hands diligently, someone in this house is cutting corners.  I stop JUST SHORT of checking hands to find the culprit.  This goes on all day until I give up.

Side note: You may be wondering why I was opening the fridge door every 5 minutes.  SHUT. UP.  That’s why.

Day 3 (Monday, March 16)

Ted goes in to work!  I mean, Ted goes in to work.  (See blog from 10/18/18 “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” to see how I feel about Ted working from home).  It feels more like a normal day so I pretend it is. The kids and I take a long drive to go get my contacts (a necessity for sure) and stop at Target on the way home.  I make the kids stay in the car while I get the necessities. It turns out the necessities are Pringles and crackers and trail mix and coffee and chocolate chips and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I also catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realize I don’t have any makeup on.  I hadn’t even realized.  It only took three days for me to let myself go.

Later that day, e-learning emails start to arrive. Apparently, the superintendent told the teachers to send things in triplicate.  They arrive via email. And Seesaw.  And Twitter.  They arrive for each child.  They from every teacher.  I mean EVERY teacher.  Don’t forget to practice your instrument! Art projects are due on Tuesday! The gym teacher says play dodgeball with your siblings! The music teacher says sing sing sing! The soccer coach said practice your skills 30 minutes a night!  The band teacher sent you trombone BINGO!  Much to my children’s dismay, there is even VIRTUAL SUNDAY SCHOOL!!

And let’s not forget the suggestions from social media resources.  There are virtual museum tours and free scholastic websites and online national parks tours and don’t forget to watch the otters getting fed at noon and Josh Gad is reading to kids at night and also Mo Willems is doodling at lunch…😂😂  SO MUCH FREE TIME!!!  This quarantine is going to be soooo relaxing.  I think I’ll go refinish my floors.