The following is a true story of what happened when I took my husband to work out with me at Orange Theory recently.

Some quick background: I have been asking Ted to come with me for months but he has been resisting thinking that because he is so out of shape I am secretly trying to kill him for insurance money.  Side note: I would never do this.  Our policy is not that high.

Somehow, I got him to agree to come with me this particular morning.

On Our Way (otherwise known as “THE INTERROGATION”)

Me: I picked a smaller class for us with a nice trainer who won’t work you too hard.

Ted: How many people will be there? 

Me:  I’m not sure. Anywhere from 15-25?  It’s a three-group class.

Ted: What do you mean three groups? One group is working out and the other two are resting?  

Me: (Wondering if he is kidding) Ummm no. Three groups are going at once. One on the treadmill, one on the rower, and one on the weights.

Ted: I just want you to know that I hurt my elbow the other day.  For real…so…

Me: (Quickly realizing I am going to have to restrain myself today with the snarky comments) Ok.  So just take it easy if we happen to work any of those all-important elbow muscles.

Ted: Should I wear my glasses?  Are there going to be any sudden violent movements where they might fly off? 

Me: Has that ever happened before when you’ve worked out?  I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Ted: Do you take your wallet?  Are there lockers?

Me: (Bracing myself for the onslaught that I know is coming from my Director of Security husband) I just leave everything in the car.

Ted: ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TRAININGS I DID ABOUT NOT LEAVING THINGS IN THE CAR WHEN YOU WORK OUT WHEN I WORKED FOR BALLY TOTAL FITNESS???  (I hesitate to mention this fascinating news as I don’t want to distract from the topic of this post;  but, yes, Ted did have a stint at BTF…perhaps those stories will be used for another blog at a later date)

 ME: (Stifling a laugh) Don’t worry, I have a good hiding place. I put it in the glove box. (Steam is coming out of his ears)

 The Set-Up…OR..How I Tried Hard Not to Laugh and Failed

Trainer to Ted: So, when was the last time you were in shape?

Me: (Realizing I am not going to be able to refrain from snarky comments after all) 1986!!!  😂😂😂

Ted: (Serious look on his face) That’s probably accurate. 

Trainer: What were you doing back then?

Me: (Cracking myself up) Going to college and looking for a wife!

Trainer:  I meant what was he doing to keep in shape.

Me: Oops.  (Let’s face it.  At this point I have lost all sense of reality and am no longer able to control my verbal impulsivity.  I vow to stop talking and start supporting).

The Work-Out (Fondly referred to as “60 minutes of Hell’)

For those who aren’t familiar with OT, during the workout you have an arm-strap on to calculate your heart rate.  There is a screen on the wall that displays your stats as you exercise: name, calories burned, and heart rate.  Your heart rate is measured on a continuum that progresses from grey (resting) to blue, green, and then orange as you work harder and reach your optimum heart rate.  Your goal is to be in “In the Orange” for at least 12 minutes during the one-hour workout. After orange comes red. And possible death.)

Approximately 7 minutes into the warm-up Ted is still just sitting on the rower as everyone around him is rowing or lifting weights or running (including me). The trainer is shouting out instructions.

Ted: Has it started? 

Me: YES!  What are you doing? Start rowing!!

Thirty seconds later Ted is rowing half as hard as me and much more slowly. I am still in the grey. Ted is in the RED.  This becomes the theme for the hour.

After the rower and weight training we finally arrive at the treadmill portion.  Unfortunately for Ted this is a strength class so we are “doing hills.”  This means the treadmill will be on a steady incline during the next 20 minutes.  Hills are hard even if you ARE in shape.  Eventually we go from a walk to a push to an All-Out Run.  Ted’s All-Out Running pace is the speed of my walk pace.  He is huffing.  He is puffing.  At least three times I look over and see him doing the sign of the cross.

The End (aka “The Payoff”)

Optimum time In the Orange is at least 12 minutes.  Ted ends the hour with 38.  Two kinds of people have that high of a number.  Those that are incredibly fit and are working at a high cardio level.  Or the other kind.

We are both happy and proud he finished it.  And he did it without passing out.

Ted: (Looking at the screen recording his output) What does that number mean on the screen?  The 528? 

Me: That’s how many calories you burned. 

Ted: Let’s go to Starbucks. That’s like two scones.  

Disclaimer:  For those who think I am being mean by making fun of my husband, you should know that I emailed him this story first to get permission to publish.  

His reply:  “Excellent.  Very funny.  Mostly accurate.”

You should also know that he offered up a few titles for this particular blog.  Titles like “Mighty Adonis,” “My Husband the Hero,” and “The Building of a Greek God.”  So thank you, but no need to worry about him.  Self-esteem still intact.