When I first met Ted he had just left a job working for Lord & Taylor.  He dressed nicely and I thought he had a handle on fashion.

I was tricked.

Soon after we were married I noticed him wearing a GIANT GOLD watch. Something you might see a character in Scarface wearing. Where had this been during our courtship? Was there a secret drawer I didn’t know about where he was keeping relationship deal-breakers?  Yes.  Yes there was.  Inside this metaphorical drawer were baseball shorts from high school.  Mock turtlenecks from the early 90’s.  Two-thousand four-hundred and eighty-two baseball hats.  And a fedora. Yes, you heard me.  A FEDORA.

SIDE  NOTE

I have always said that Ted was born in the wrong era: He walks around department stores asking where the double-breasted suits are. He wore that fedora for years until I threatened him.  He makes “old man” jokes that only grandparents understand and think are funny.  I bet he uses the word “gals” a lot when I am not around. He talks a lot about the weather. The first album he downloaded on his iPhone was Dean Martin “That’s Amore.” And one time we were playing the game Scattergories and he had to name a celebrity that started with the letter “B” and a TV show that started with the letter “L.” His answers? Bea Arthur and “Love, American Style.”

Okay, back to the story.  Turns out Ted does not like to part with things.  EVER.

Enter the MATRIX COAT.

The Matrix Coat is not part of a costume. Well, at least it did not start out that way.  It is a coat that was purchased on purpose years ago. On our honeymoon. In Austria. The Matrix Coat is made of Real Leather. If I remember correctly it is made of Goat Leather. An homage to the homeland perhaps? If you remember the SNL skit with Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz where they work at “The Leatherman” you will understand how squeaky the Matrix Coat is. Did I mention this was the late 90’s?

The Matrix Coat was “retired” years ago.  To the dismay of the Owner. I hesitated to get rid of it. This would make a good Halloween costume some day I said to myself.  I hid it in the back of the hall closet where I thought it wouldn’t be found. This is a guy who can’t find his keys, glasses, and wallet on a regular basis. How would he find the Matrix Coat?

Fast forward to the Winter of 2017-18. Now, no one expects to have a husband who goes through three coats a season. But sometimes, you will leave a perfectly nice, stylish three season jacket at the Cheesecake Factory.  Or, say, because you have a good heart, you will give the brand-new replacement jacket to a homeless person. You might break a zipper on the third jacket. At this point, it wouldn’t be unusual for the shopper-of-coats to decide that she is done spending time and money on outer wear.

So do you know what happens when you have an unusually long winter and you have no winter coats left and no one to buy you a new one? You resurrect the Matrix Coat.

Here are some of the natural consequences of wearing the Matrix Coat:

Someday when you look back at pictures from your Spring Break vacation you will wonder why you are in all the pictures alone.

People will refer to you as Neo.

You will look like a West Suburban Dad Thug.

Without knowing why, strangers will start humming Spin Doctors and Alanis Morissette when you walk by.

And lastly, your wife will blog about it.

Here he is on Spring Break with one of his contemporaries talking about the old days and waiting for a couple of gals to walk by and notice them.