There comes a point in every stay-at-home parent’s life when you hear your spouse say the words that will stop you in your tracks:

“I think I’ll work from home today.”

Ted knows I don’t like it when he works from home. But he truly thinks I am the only woman out there who feels this way.

He’s wrong. He refuses to believe me when I say that out of the 452 friends I have (that’s what Facebook says anyway) that none of them, NOT ONE OF THEM, likes it when their husband works from home.  Now, I realize this may be a slight exaggeration.  Maybe there is a newlywed out there who still really enjoys hanging with her husband ALL day and then ALL evening too.  I mean, I’m sure Amal Clooney and Meghan Markle aren’t doing any complaining.  (Although they are newlyweds too so let’s give it time).  And before the feminists come at me… I realize that there are also some situations where the MOM works and the DAD stays at home.  But guess what ladies?  HE HATES IT WHEN YOU WORK FROM HOME TOO.  This is not a gender thing.  This is a stay out of my way and out of my “office” the same way I stay out of yours and quit bugging me with your talking and your breathing and your eating cereal in such a noisy slurpy way thing.

So the other day Ted chose to work from home because Teddy was leaving for the 8th grade D.C. trip directly after school.  He wanted to say goodbye and “help” see him off.

Let’s just say I’m pretty sure that’s the day Franny learned the word “sh**show.” It was a hot mess of a morning.

In the interest of time and space I will skip over the not being able to find the sandwich bread for lunch and the pushing of the wearing of the coats and hats on a 60 degree day and most importantly the suggestion of carrying an umbrella to a 13-year-old boy and will just say I really don’t know how I manage without him in the mornings.

So because we had Teddy’s luggage with us, I was going to run him into the school and help him get his things in order.  All we had to do was drop off Teddy first and then Franny, whose school is next door.  Let me add that the schools are close enough to our house that we are considered “walkers.”  It is maybe a three-minute car ride.

Do you remember the movie Mr. Mom?  This was Ted.  The three of us in the car yelling “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” to him as he attempted this rather simple task.

First, the street where we would naturally turn is blocked by a large truck so he continues driving straight.  We are late.  We are nervous.  He passes the next street.  And the next.  WHERE ARE YOU GOING?  YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! By now he is closer to Franny’s school so he attempts to drop her off first.  But it’s too early and she can’t get in the school.  And its raining.  So now he goes in the school driveway but guess what?  YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN THE DRIVEWAY!!  YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! Back to Teddy’s school, back to Franny’s, and believe it or not back to Teddy’s to pick up Ted who stayed to help Teddy unload since I no longer thought it would be beneficial for him, me, the kids, or mankind if we continued in the same car together for much longer.

After the disaster drop off, Ted decides to accompany me on my errand to deliver some donations.  We stop for a coffee on our way.  There’s Creepy Gerald sitting outside at Starbucks like he always is.  I make a comment about how he bugs me and I’m tired of being nice and having to say hello and Ted says in his most manly and serious voice, “Do you want me to talk to him for you and say something about him bothering you?”

Ummm. Is it 1956?  Then no. No, I don’t need you to say something.  He is an old man who I’m pretty sure I could take, so simmer down.  Also, sometimes women just want to complain and not have their problems solved so just listen and also this cannot be the first time you have heard that observation because it is practically the first thing you learn when you meet a female.  WE COMPLAIN. YOU LISTEN.  STOP TRYING TO FIX IT.

Now, when I am trying to get work done at home, I don’t like to talk just for fun.  If you don’t have anything really important to say then let’s just be quiet.  I have to listen to kids talk all afternoon about dumb things that happen on their TV shows and in their fantasy books and watch Fortnite dances and listen to made up Recorder songs.  I have to do ALL those things and also have to BE INTERESTED.  Or as the experts say, “BE PRESENT,” because one day one of my kids is going to be in therapy complaining that “My mom really never seemed interested when I showed her my Fornite dance or when I was telling her EVERY DETAIL of the plot of Bizaardvark.” And you know what? I wasn’t interested!!  Now that you are grown up (and in therapy) I will tell you that I WASN’T.  And you won’t be either when you have kids.

But I digress. So while I am trying to work, Ted is trying to make conversation.  To hint to him that I don’t want to talk I answer inaudibly or sigh loudly as if I am annoyed and tired.  This does not work.  I am going to tell you what Ted said to me out of the blue in order to stimulate a conversation with me.  I am not making this up.  He actually said to me, “Hey, let’s rate all of our favorite Reese Witherspoon movies.”  THIS IS WHAT HE SAID TO ME.  I AM NOT LYING. I am pretty sure even REESE WITHERSPOON HERSELF does not find it interesting to rate her own movies.

To change the subject, I tell him about the plot of the new television show Manifest.   He is intrigued. I suggest he watch the first two episodes and catch up so I can get some work done. But no. He prefers I tell him the entire plot of the story.  He really does.  Ever since I’ve known Ted, when I suggest articles or books to read he will say “just tell me what it’s about” and then has me do my own version of an audiobook for him.  I mean, maybe he can’t read.  Is it possible?  No. He has way too many church books on his bedside table so I know he can read.  Is it my soothing voice?  I can’t believe that’s true.  I find a good solution and tell him I will catch him up on the first two episodes tonight at dinner so we have something to talk about.  Oh, did I mention just the two of us are going to dinner tonight?  Yes, we already had an evening together planned yet he stayed home from work so we could have some sort of all-day pre-party I guess.

I recall a conversation I had with my retired aunt and uncle recently.  They are in their mid-70’s.  “But what do you DO all day?” I said with fear and panic in my voice. Apparently, a lot of their day revolves around grocery shopping, eating meals, and helping out at the church.  Also, they seem to go to “The Show” a lot. Someone shoot me if Ted and I start referring to the movies as “The Show,” “The Pictures,” or God forbid, “The Talkies.” How are these the Golden Years?  Dear Lord help me.

But here’s the thing: They used to bicker a lot and now they seem to get along pretty well.  So maybe we just get more patient as we get older.  Or maybe we just start losing our hearing. Who knows.  Perhaps retirement won’t be so bad after all.  But for now, I would appreciate it if Ted continued to work from his office.

And by the way, I guess if I HAD to pick, I would say “Sweet Home Alabama” rates number one for me.