A day in the life…

This is what my dry erase board looks like during a typical month. As you can see, we have a lot going on. On any given day I am cook, maid, dog walker, scheduler, chauffeur, mediator, accountant, teacher, therapist, and occasionally these days, verbal punching bag. And though I don’t work a job outside the home, I do find myself constantly busy. So what exactly do I DO all day???

7:36am: Jump out of bed startled and panicked. Realize you have been hitting the snooze for half an hour. Throw on work out clothes.

Give dog a treat and let her outside. Yell for kids to come downstairs. Yell for kids to turn off devices as they know they are not supposed to be on devices in the morning. Watch kids walk downstairs with devices four inches from face. Yell again. Make lunches.

Ask youngest if she wants breakfast even though you know she will refuse because she is not a breakfast eater unless there are donuts or pop-tarts or cinnamon toast crunch in which case she IS a breakfast eater. Ask her if she brushed her teeth. Ask her again. Watch her go upstairs to brush her teeth.

Tell older child three times that he has baseball practice tonight but be prepared that he will later insist you did not tell him. Wonder about his acne and why it isn’t clearing up. Make mental note to browse online later for new skin-care system for him.

8:05am: Get kids in car. Watch dog as she looks at you at the door expectantly, asking “Am I coming or am I staying?” Decide if you are going to the gym or not. Yes, she can come. Her feeling loved is more important than your exercise. You will work out later. Know deep in your heart or maybe not so deep you are not going to go work out in the afternoon. Stay in workout clothes anyway to make yourself feel like there is the option you might.

Drop kids off at school. Yell “I love you!” to oldest as he walks away disinterested (his near-constant mood). Yell “Make good choices!” to youngest as she hops out of car full of energy. Realize it is 31 degrees out and neither child has on a coat.

Go back home. Consider taking a nap. Resist. Unload dishwasher. Wonder why there are so many forks and hardly any spoons. Wonder where all the spoons have gone in the last 20 years and how can you lose 17 spoons but still have all your forks? Retrieve all the dishes and glasses that are upstairs and in bedrooms and bring them to the kitchen. Wonder if you should install a dumb-waiter.

Get a snack. Let the dog out. Let the dog in. Let dog out. Tell dog it’s raining and she won’t want to go out. Watch her go out anyway. Watch her walk right back inside. Wonder how she will forget this again in a few minutes. Consider a doggie door but remember when you had one before, your old dog brought in a giant dead bird and laid it on your bed. Decide against a doggie door.

Throw a load of laundry in. Wonder how there is so much laundry after one day. Wonder why kids can’t wear pajamas more than once. Wonder how many clothes just fell off hangers and were thrown in the laundry so they didn’t have to be hung up again. Smell hoodies to make sure they have actually been worn.

Check emails. Answer texts. Get into long discussion via text with brother about which one of us would be Hall and which one of us would be Oates. Have conversation AS IF we are Hall and Oates. Crack ourselves up. Realize no else would think this is funny but us. Pet dog for a while so she leaves you alone.

10:00am: Walk past mud room and wonder if you should wash winter coats and put them away for the season. Know that the moment you wash them it will snow. Walk past big mess of games and puzzles in office and start to organize them. Take some things to the basement. Discover it is a mess and start to straighten it. Notice rack of CD’s. Laugh at the fact you still have a WHAM! CD. Try to remember why you are in the basement. Wonder how the last hour disappeared when all you wanted to do is put some games and puzzles away in the office. Make dog Kong so she will stop bugging you.

11:00am; Admit you are not going to work out after all. Consider whether you should shower. Assess what you are doing the rest of the day and if you are going to see anyone outside of family and kids in carpool. Decide there is a good chance you will run into someone at Jewel. Give in and take shower.

Look at the clock. It’s already 11:30am. Ask yourself what you have done the past three hours. Answer more texts. Put phone down and tell self not to answer anything that isn’t an emergency. Think about what to make for dinner. Decide that if you had a choice between a chef and a maid you would pick a chef. Silently proclaim to no one that thinking about what to make for dinner is the worst part of being a mom. Eat lunch of cheese stick, apple and pretzels.

12:00: Take dog for a walk. Start listening to a podcast. Realize after ten minutes you haven’t heard anything on your podcast because you have been distracted about all the things you have to do. Start podcast over. Realize 25 minutes in you have already heard this one but it took you that long to notice.

1:00pm: Transfer laundry. Sit down to write blog. Get some good work in between telling dog “No!” as she continues to paw you. Tell her you have already taken her on a ride, given her multiple treats, taken her for a walk, and played with her. Wait for her acknowledgement. Get dog nail clipper out as last resort and show it to her every time she bugs you. Watch her run away.

2:00pm: Look online for dress for daughter for church. Follow her conditions by eliminating anything with glitter, bright colors, spaghetti straps, sequins, florals, and ruffles. Settle on sweatshirt dress.

2:50pm Pick up daughter from school. Pretend to be interested in her stories about recess. Drop her off at home and go straight to pick up son 20 minutes early because you already need a break from her non-stop talking. Brace for him to ask “What’s for dinner?” as soon as he gets in the car. Say “I don’t know” because A) You don’t and B) As soon as you tell him what IS for dinner unless you say Pizza or Culver’s he will complain.

Wonder about how different it is that when you are in the car with your daughter she WILL NOT STOP TALKING and all you want is some peace but when you are in the car with your son he says nothing as you try desperately to connect with him.

Drop him off at home and go get something for dinner at the grocery store. See nobody you know. Get irritated you wasted a shower on no one. Get home and step over backpacks and jackets and hoodies and cleats and shoes to get through mud room that has built-in lockers and hooks that seem to be underutilized. Bring dirty dishes and yogurt containers and plastic bottles from various places around the house that have appeared in the 20 minutes you have been at the grocery store.

4:15pm-7:00pm: DRIVING AROUND THE CITY OF DOWNERS GROVE BEGINS!!

Decide whether to make dinner before sports and eat in shifts starting at 4pm or after you get home and everyone eats together at 7:45 but then goes straight to bed on a full stomach.

Pick up girls six loud girls, aged 8-13, from soccer. Watch as they tumble into the car with their soccer bags, water bottles and cleats. Mediate over who gets to sit in the front and decide on a rotating system. Make sure everyone is in the car and you aren’t missing anyone (only happened once). Drive slowly and carefully so you don’t get stopped by the police (only happened once). Drop off girls one by one and make sure everyone gets in respective houses safely. Go home.

6:30pm: Do internal happy dance because you are in for the night. You can finally relax. You can have a glass of wine. YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR BRA!! Know that now that your bra is off you are in for the night and nothing will make you leave again except maybe a house fire. Eat dinner.

8:00: Tell daughter it’s time to get ready for bed. Argue with her about how she is the only person she knows who goes to bed at 8 o’clock and she should go to bed later and watch her meltdown while making your exact point that she needs to go to bed early in order to function. Put her to bed.

9:00pm. Watch The Crown. Decide you definitely should have been a queen or at least a princess and brood about it for a while. Wish for servants and designer clothes and summer home in Scotland. Realize the closest you will get is Nordstrom Rack, a cleaning lady, and the water park in The Dells.

10:00pm. Get in bed and obsess over the next day’s activities. Push snoring husband on his side. Nudge dog so she will stop licking herself. Repeat until you fall asleep.