This is the true story of four family members who chose to get on a plane, rent a car, drive down the California coast, and have their vacation documented.  Find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real.

The Real World: Pacific Coast Highway

Day One:

1pm: Go to the airport.

2pm: Get dropped off at the entrance while Ted parks.

2:15: Start check-in process at kiosk. Wonder how the airlines are allowed to charge you $30 JUST TO BRING A SUITCASE on a trip.  Think about the old days when you got a free meal and your dad used to sit in the smoking section of the plane.  Weigh bags.  Discover first bag is 3 lbs. under, but second bag is 8 lbs. over, which will cost you an additional $100 in baggage fees.  Panic and force kids to help you rummage through bag and take out what you hope is an 8 lb. makeup bag.   Wonder if you will be happy that you don’t have to pay extra or embarrassed that you need 8 lbs. of toiletries for a one week vacation.  Weigh bags again. Remove audiobooks that you will never listen to and shove them in one kid’s backpack and a men’s shoe in the other kid’s backpack.  Achieve acceptable weight.  When Ted arrives, hand him giant, feminine, pink Vera Bradley toiletry bag as his carry-on.  Sigh with relief.

2:30: Go through security.  Get flagged.  Realize too late that bringing a 3-wick aromatic candle in your carry-on as a hostess gift is NOT a good idea.  GET FULL-BODY PAT DOWN.   Wish you had given Ted your bag and carried the pink toiletry bag instead.  Curse Karma.  Get searched and patted down for approximately 10 minutes.  Resist the temptation to tell the TSA agent you are getting more action than you have in close to five years.  Watch shoes and candle and other essentials get swabbed and tested.  Rue the day you got that half-price candle coupon.  Look sheepishly behind you and see a handsome man in line wink at you.  Wonder if it is a sympathetic wink or a “Hey, 50-year-old-mom-being-searched, you still got it!” wink.  Glance down at your outfit and go with definite mercy wink.

3pm: Get to gate.  Silently decide the vacation has officially started and peruse food court for vacation food.  Order mini pretzel dogs.  Accept the fact you will have bloated vacation stomach for the next week.

4:30: Get on plane. Sit in middle seat because you are a good mom.  Eat pretzels.  Eat maple cookies.  Eat Stroopwafel.  Feel sick.

8:30: (6:30 PST) Arrive in San Francisco.

7pm: Have first vacation argument about where rental car company is located. Win.

7:30: Drive to friend’s house which is faaarrr from airport.  Use the time to enjoy skyline and scenery.  Have second vacation argument about screens and data time and how the scenery and sights ARE the vacation.

9pm: Arrive at the Whitney household. Relax. Have wine and salad and pizza. Ignore Ted’s comments about how cold it is and that the forecast says 50’s and 60’s and we should have brought more sweatshirts like he suggested.  Silently regret you only brought two long sleeve shirts for each person but do not admit this out loud.  Realize your pictures will look like you either took them all on the same day or never changed your clothes.

Day Two:

9:00am: Wake up, eat breakfast and get on the road to downtown San Francisco.

9:15am: Make our first stop of many at CVS to get an eyeglass repair kit for Ted’s prescription sunglasses that have already lost a screw. NOTE: HAD I KNOWN AT THIS POINT THAT TED’S EYEGLASSES WOULD BE A THEME RUNNING THROUGH OUR ENTIRE VACATION I WOULD HAVE STARTED TAKING PICTURES EARLIER.  Tell Ted it will be impossible to fix his glasses while on the road as a steady hand seems necessary but watch Teddy try to fix them anyway.  After 30 minutes watch Teddy give up.

11:30:  Walk a long way to see the sea lions on Pier 39. See ONE lone sea lion swimming around.  Get lunch at Boudin Bakery and pay $75 for four Panera-like meals.  Worry you cannot afford California.  Stop at Ghirardelli and get giant ice cream treats.  Stop in your tracks at the door and see there is a WEDDING party sitting on the terraces outside the store.  Wonder why they are taking pictures here and then notice the bride and groom dancing on the sidewalk.  Spot a photographer.  Spot a saxophonist.  Wonder who would love Ghiradelli so much they would plan their wedding around it.  Feel relief Ted did not know this was an option or our formal pictures may have been taken outside a KFC.

 

Above: Bride and groom in front of Ghirardelli, adjacent to CVS, four feet from a woman sweeping and changing out a garbage bag.                                   

4:30: Drive to Golden Gate Park. Argue about directions.  Lose.  Arrive at Segway tour with zero minutes to spare.  Argue about parking. Jump out of car to reserve Segway spots and let Ted park.  Hope he finds parking and is able to find his way back without his glasses.  Speed around the park on Segway seeing all sorts of things.  Shriek nonsense words like “GAH” and “HOO!” every time you lose control, forgetting that just because you are wearing headphones does not mean other people can’t hear you.  Wonder why with every whoop and squawk the man in front of you looks back with concern.

7:00pm.  Finish tour.  Watch Ted try to fix his glasses in the car.  Watch Ted drop tiny screw somewhere in driver’s seat.  Drive back to friend’s house and go to sleep.

To be continued……

Above: Segway tour in Golden Gate Park