For days I have been counting down the time until June 23rd. And though I am not one to dwell on death dates, this year has been different. Maybe it’s the feeling of loneliness and isolation during this quarantine. Maybe it’s the fact I haven’t seen my family in a really long time. Maybe it’s just because I am getting older. But I have been tracking the days more than normal, made especially difficult by the fact that tracking days these past few months seems pointless.

But as I sit here and write and the hour turns to midnight, I realize that today, June 12th, has snuck up on me.  Facebook’s “memories” has reminded me that it is the 21st anniversary of my dad’s death.  All along I’ve been dreading the upcoming date of my sister’s passing, only to find I was looking too far ahead.

And maybe my spirit and my soul have known all week. Because I have been off. Feeling a little lost and sad for no reason in particular. Or maybe it’s no more complicated than the fact that I miss my dad.

I’ve said it before but it’s worth saying again. When you lose someone, it’s not necessarily the significant days you think about. Most of the time it’s the everyday moments you long for. I wish my dad were here so I could ask him if we should lease our next car or buy it. I wish he were here so I could tell him how mad I am that Franny lost her Air Pods so he could tell me, “It’s just stuff, Sal, don’t worry.” I wish I could see his pride while watching her play catcher (also his position) on an all-boys team. I wish I could tell him that one time I was “Customer of the Month” at Starbucks so I could hear him say, “Jesus Christ, Samantha, is that all you have to do all day?” I wish I could tell him that I’m worried that I’m sucking at motherhood and that I’m completely messing up my kids. I wish I could tell him how smart Teddy is and wants to be an engineer like him. I wish I could ask him a million things about work and life and parenting and what he liked to do when he was little and if he played pranks on his siblings and which one of his parents did he get his sense of humor from and a million other things I didn’t think to ask him when he was alive.

Twenty-one years is a long time. In some ways, it seems like yesterday.  In other ways, it seems like a lifetime ago. And what started out being a blog about Chris has turned into something else, which I am finding out more and more can happen when you write.  Sometimes what you want to say is not always what you need to say.

Above: My dad and Chris, Christmas 1965.

And I feel fine.

I have a confession to make:  I get a little bit sad thinking about the fact that this quarantine is going to end.

Don’t get me wrong.  I want to go out and see my friends.  I want to go to Starbucks ALONE and sit INSIDE by myself.  I miss going to church and seeing my family.   I am dying to snuggle and smoosh all the little babies I haven’t seen in ages. I want to relax at the pool.  I want my kids to be able to go to camp and play soccer and go back to school in the fall.  For gosh’s sake, I NEED TO GET MY EYEBROWS DONE!!  But I am also falling into this domestic life of doing nothing.

Ok, “doing nothing” isn’t exactly accurate. In fact, there are days when I feel busier than I was before the pandemic. Sometimes I feel that all I do is cook and clean and organize and let the dog in and out.  Then there are all the home projects I have felt compelled to take on.  We are nine weeks in and the garage is clean, the basement is purged of boxes, the photo albums are reorganized, the videos are labeled, and the baby toys have been given away.  We even hired a junk man to come and clear away all the debris that has been sitting by the side of the garage for 10 years.

But even with all this busyness, there is a sense of peace and calm that I haven’t felt in a long time.

You see, the thing is, I really don’t HAVE to do anything.  There is no running from guitar lessons to soccer practice.  No picking up kids for carpool and dropping them off only to rush back and pick another kid up so I can be back home by 7:30pm to start a late dinner.  No eating in different shifts, going to bed exhausted, and waking up cranky.  No birthday parties or school parties or committee meetings. No late workdays and long commutes for Ted. No late nights for kids who didn’t have time to do homework because of sports practices.  In fact, there is no rush to be anywhere or get anything done.  Our biggest decision is where we will get our take-out from Saturday nights.

We wake up when we want and go to bed when we want.  We finish chores and projects on our own time.  Honestly, even schoolwork doesn’t REALLY have a deadline. But the biggest change is that each night we eat dinner together.  We sit at the table and rotate who picks the board game we are going to play.  Sometimes after dinner, we take a family walk with the dog. Occasionally we watch a movie as a family.  (Ted and I have introduced the kids to West Side Story and Field of Dreams. I’ll let you guess which parent chose which😊.)

We are in a comfortable groove of being together.

The best outcome has been that my kids have started to look to each other as their “go-to.”  They play Xbox, bake cookies, shoot baskets, bike ride, and practice soccer together. They not only enjoy being together, they actually seek each other out.  I don’t think this would have happened if we were experiencing a typical summer.  I am grateful that they have fulfilled this need for friendship and camaraderie with each other.  It’s real.  And it’s working.

I have not forgotten the seriousness of why we are following a stay-at-home order. I have not forgotten that people are sick and dying and this is for the safety of our country.  And the fact that I rarely have time to myself anymore is often a struggle.  (It has taken me DAYS to write this short little blog.)  But I know I am going to look back on this time with bittersweet longing.  And for right now, for a little bit longer, I don’t mind staying in my quarantine bubble.

 

In a cruel twist of fate this year, “Spring Break” came and went without anyone really noticing.  What I have realized is that keeping track of the days while blogging is pointless as they seem to drag on like Groundhog Day.  Plus, maybe we are in the new normal and “quarantine blogging” isn’t novel anymore.  It just “blogging.”

The one good thing that has come out of this is my kids are playing together a lot and have not had one argument.  They have been doing puzzles, building with Lego, doing soccer skills, playing ping pong, air hockey, basketball, and baking cookies together. On week two they mastered the Rubik’s cube and this week are playing chess.  Yippee!    This makes it almost worth the five weeks together. Almost, but not quite.

Like many families, we have also been playing a lot of board games.  We have always been a board game playing family, ever since the Candyland days.  However, with sports practices almost every night, the past few years have been hit or miss.  It has been nice to get back to it.  Since the quarantine began, we have rotated through every board game we own, and we own A LOT of board games.

Side Note: We are also working on 1000-piece puzzles.  We have been finishing about one a week.  The first was popcorn, the second was candy, and shockingly, when we got to puzzle number three, a gorgeous view of the skyline of Santorini, our excitement fizzled out.  This one has been on our table for three weeks and I can’t help wondering if it’s because it’s not food-related.

Here’s the thing: Even though we play the same games over and over, each time we bring out the evening choice we have to re-explain the rules to Ted.  Now I’m not sure if this is just a ruse, but none of us can understand why someone who can quote the entire script of The Hunt for Red October cannot remember how to play Scrabble.

Exhibit A: Quirkle:  Simple game:  You have to match either the color or the shape.  Sometimes it gets tricky and you have to match BOTH.  It’s really just a matter of knowing your shapes and colors which is early level learning.  Maybe he is color blind?  Despite questionable wardrobe choices, no, he is not colorblind.  For example, an orange circle does not match with a purple X.  Or as we call this shape when we play, “Jumpy guy.”  (Yes, I did stop several games over the past few weeks to take pictures.  I explained that I was doing “research.”)

Clue:  This is a fun one.  Ted is usually the one who suggests this game although I don’t think he has ever won it.  Maybe he thinks because of his background and experience as an investigator he will be the first person in the history of Clue to be able to guess the killer on round three?  How can you possibly make an educated guess when you’ve only been in the bathroom, the kitchen, and the billiards room?  Maybe he is just done playing and wants to go upstairs and have time to himself. I don’t blame him.

Exhibit B: Saboteur: This is an amazing card game we love.  At the start of the game you get one of these two cards telling you whether or not you are the “Saboteur” for the game:

I can’t tell you how many times when we first played this game he would receive his card and ask “How do I know if I’m the Saboteur?”  To which we would all groan and collect the cards to reshuffle, saying to him, “If you have to ask, you are NOT the Saboteur!!” When he IS the Saboteur, we all know it because he starts accusing everyone else.  He has a terrible poker face.

Monopoly is boring and everyone knows that and maybe that is why Ted tries to trade property cards almost immediately after starting the game.  He will offer bad trades to everyone. “I’ll give you Baltic Avenue for Park Place.”  Umm, no.  “I’ll give you Indiana Ave even though you have no other red properties for Atlantic Ave which will complete my yellow monopoly.” It’s so incessant that eventually, we all turn against him and make a pact to not trade with him for the rest of the game.

Pente and Otrio are both games that require some teamwork.  You need to work defense and offense and sometimes TWO players have to work together to block one player.  Not with Ted.  He is strictly offense.  This means the two people who go AFTER him end up being all-time defense and the third person wins. These two games usually turn into chaos with everyone shouting at him “Block her! Block him!”  Because of the rule of clockwise play, I have learned that sitting to the right of Ted is the money spot for Pente and Otrio.

Exhibit C: Ticket to Ride: This particular recent game of Ticket to Ride might have been the impetus for this blog. It’s not a hard game to play and we play it all the time.  In order to lay down track, you need a set of matching colored cards.  Below you will see Ted’s first play. He was a good sport for letting me stop the game to take a picture.  I don’t know.  Maybe he IS colorblind.

Exhibit D: Scrabble: Scrabble is the best game for pure entertainment.  There are always words people try to slip in as legitimate every now and again.  Whether it is slang or a proper noun, once in a while you might get challenged.   Today, I will only focus on my two favorite stories.  The first was when he insisted that “Tronch” was a word and was so invested he accepted a challenge and (not surprisingly) lost.  Even spellcheck has been reminding me that it isn’t a word while I have been writing this post.***Ted’s amendment after reading this blog: Tranche IS a word meaning “portion,” most recently used in 2018 during the Greek bailout where Greece received a “tranche” of a loan from the European Union.”***

But the best Scrabble mishap has to be shown below, where to our utter astonishment, Ted laid down these tiles. His explanation?  Faux.  Not only is it spelled wrong, but it’s placed going upwards.  I really don’t know what else to say.

In all honesty, playing games with the family has always been a fun bonding experience for us.  And as much as I make fun of Ted, we do need one person in this family who isn’t so serious about winning.  He (and Franny, quite honestly) have provided a nice balance and some levity to my Teddy’s competitive streak.  In fact, many years ago, when Teddy was in preschool, we had to start a routine whenever we ended a game.  The loser was required to say, “Congratulations on being a good winner.” And the winner had to say, “Congratulations on being a good sport.” All while shaking hands. It was the only way to keep Teddy from throwing an absolute temper tantrum when he lost.

And for those of you thinking, “Why wouldn’t she just let a three-year-old win the game?” Ummm, have we met?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can someone please tell me why this weekend is so long? The girl and boy come home from school and never go back again. And then my dad come home from work and he stay too.  At first, it was fun but now I tired of all these hoomans in mine and mama’s house. Usually, me and mama go for rides every day but now the boy is driving and he drive scary. We go on swervy rides and lots of times we stop HARD and I fly from seat to seat.  Also, when he drives dad yells A LOT so I try not to go in the car with him but sometimes it’s hard to decide because also I want to be with mama all the time.

Now when we leave the house we only go to three places.  First is the big building with all the food inside.  I’ve never been in but I can smell it.  It smells super good so I don’t understand why all the hoomans are covering their mouths and noses up and only showing their eyes.  Maybe they don’t like good smells?  The second place they go to is the red ball store with the bullseye and the dog.  Mama likes this place A LOT.  But the best drive is the one where I get to say hi to all the hoomans in the window.  I think this is where her hooman friends live because they all say hi and know her name and then they hand her the pink drink.  I’m a little worried though because I think Mama forgot how to get to the dog park.    

Speaking of friends I can’t sniff my friends so much anymore when I go on walks.  Even though we go on SO MANY walks and there are SO MANY hoomans I want to say hi to and smell and jump on.  But mama says NO! and pulls on her chain.  She always connects herself to me with that chain when we walk so she does not get lost.  Good thing for her I have a strong hold on her and show her where to go.  

Every day we go on super long walks and one day water came crashing from the sky and mama still wanted to walk!  And used to be my private time with mama but now ALL the hoomans go on the walks.  Once mama tried to make the boy and girl take me and I say NO and just sit down HARD on the ground and stretch hard toward mama until they give up.  I’m the boss of them that’s for sure. 

Also I worried a bit about my hoomans because they are all getting bigger I think.  All day hoomans go to the big silver box and open it and close it and pull out good things and I wait at their feet and give them cutest look I have but I don’t get anything.  So many good smells at my house but always the same hard balls in my bowl.  While the hoomans are getting bigger I am shrinking because of all the walks. 

The worst part about all of this is that Mama is making everyone do jobs all day.  EVEN ME!!!  Mama decided she wants to teach me to talk.  I don’t need to talk she already understands everything I say.   When I scratch on door it means, “Go outside.” When I jump on her over and over it means, “Pet me.” When I see her chain I bark loud and hard and it means “I want to go on a walk.”  When I run to the back door it means, “I want to go in the car with you.”  How many other things do I need to tell her?

I guess mama does not agree because the other day she put a round ball on the floor by my treat cupboard.  But the ball doesn’t roll it just sits there.  Then mama steps on it and it says TREAT and sound just like mama!!  Mama steps on that ball all the time when she gives me a treat.  I don’t know why she does that.  Once I sniffed the ball too close and my nose touched it and I heard TREAT and all the hoomans got very excited and yelling and I guess I did something good because I got a treat!  I think they want me to step on this button all the time when I want treats but why?  Why would I do that when I have been getting treats the easy way all this time?

I hope this weekend over soon.  I miss my friends and quiet time and naps and dog park and nice car rides.  I hear the hoomans say it’s only been one month.  I think they forget that’s like seven months for me.

 

The ball toy mama make me push for treats.