The dishes seem to ALMOST make it to the sink, but not quite.

If this is the time we should be taking care to be the cleanest we can be…why is everything going downhill so quickly?

Day Eleven (Tuesday, March 24th)

I will admit that we have cleaning ladies who come every two weeks.  Of course, they have not come since the quarantine and this shows when you walk into my house.  Last week, we all chipped in and it went great.  No one complained and our house looked surprisingly clean.  It was so painless, in fact, that at the time I actually considered permanently canceling them.  “Hey, this is awesome,” I thought, “I can save myself some cash and it really isn’t that bad when everyone does their part.”

This week that theory has been greatly tested.  The dirt on the floor and scum in the bathtub is building up.  Which is I guess what happens when four people and a dog rarely leave the house.  In a weak moment, I consider asking the ladies to come over.  I think about how we could all (dog included) just sit in the driveway for two hours and wait for them to be done.  I mean, they are coming with BLEACH and SANITIZER!  What could be safer??  I am helping a small business thrive and our house gets clean!  Win-Win!  It seems rational at the time.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I decide against it when I realize how bored I will be sitting on the driveway for so long.

Day Twelve (Wednesday, March 25th)

Today marks the day I ask myself, “Is it really necessary to shower?”

Day Thirteen (Thursday, March 26th)

Today is the day I stop wearing jeans and move over to yoga pants.  I can’t believe I held out for so long.

Day Fourteen (Friday, March 27th)

At this point, I am eating just to survive.  Nothing is really enjoyable and no matter how many times I walk to the pantry or open the fridge, the same food stares back at me. Not having the opportunity to go out to eat wears hard on our spirits and its amazing that we depend so much on dining out for our happiness. On the other hand, our newfound love for baking has increased, along with my girth.  Also, it is crazy to me that I spent over $300 on groceries last week and our fridge is empty.  Just how much are we eating??

Where is all our food??

Day Fifteen (Saturday, March 28th)

Although my kids have been awesome considering our situation, they still aren’t putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher even though we have been working on this for 11 days (and 11 years.)  Today I discover there are four stages of loading the dishwasher.

Stage one: Bring your dishes to the kitchen.  My kids are really good about this and have been at this stage for years.

Stage two: Put the dishes in the sink, not just next to it.  This is the stage we are working on.  I have told them numerous times not to stack the dishes on the small counter space next to the sink but they do it anyway.  We have had tutorials on how to load the dishwasher. Nope.  Still next to the sink.

I am constantly cleaning dishes. This was taken before noon and it’s already crowded.

Stage three/four: Rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher.  These two stages should always go together.  You should not have one without the other.  (Hence, stage three/four.) But this is not always the case.  This, by the way, is Ted’s favorite stage.  In fact, he rinses and cleans dishes off SO well that 75% of the time I cannot distinguish between clean and dirty dishes.  More than once I have emptied half of the load to suddenly notice something greasy and discover it was actually dirty.  Now if I’m not sure I resort to the “Athena test,” which is calling the dog in and seeing if she sniffs and walks away or starts licking everything (also known in our house as the “pre-wash.”)

Side Note:   I actually had to call Teddy back into the kitchen THREE TIMES today to get him to put his dish in the dishwasher. The first time he only put his dish in the sink.  The second time he rinsed it off and placed in back in the sink.  The third time he actually put in in the dishwasher.  Victory is mine!

Day Sixteen (Sunday, March 29th)

Today I receive the not unexpected news that my hair appointment has been canceled.   As mentioned earlier, I have already switched out of constricting pants. I haven’t had my nails done in weeks.  Never mind the fact that by the time this quarantine is over I am going to have a full-on mustache and unibrow. Honestly, its the first time relatives are going to tell me I look more like my dad than my mom. Vanity is out the window.

Warning: If you hear about any Groucho Marx sightings on Next-Door, don’t worry.  It’s just me.

My kids have been getting along and getting creative. Here they area during a Lego bridge building competition. Notice Franny has her phone and earbuds right by her hand.

You may have noticed I adjusted the title a bit.  I think we can all agree that at this point, using the word “vacation” is an insult to the travel industry.  Therefore, let’s go with “lockdown.” We can reassess on Friday.

It’s the weekend!!  Days Seven through Nine (March 20th, 21st, 22nd)

Honestly, does it even matter that it’s the weekend?  The only difference is that Ted seems to be paying a little bit more attention to us.  We end up watching church services online and both kids have Sunday school lessons.  The highlight of the quarantine so far is on Sunday when we make a last-minute decision to surprise one of Franny’s besties with a birthday car-parade past her house. It is dark and snowy (yes, it snowed here, bonus!) and we hop in the car at 6pm with a big sign saying “Happy birthday!”  We shoot a last-minute text to a group of her friends and five minutes later six cars drive by, girls hanging out windows and sunroofs yelling “happy birthday,” holding up signs, honking horns incessantly, until she comes to the door. It truly was the high point of this quarantine and I had tears in my eyes seeing the love and friendship these girls have for each other.

Day Ten (Monday, March 23rd)

Back to reality.  It comes as no surprise that the things that are normally pet peeves of mine have been heightened in our secluded world.  Each person (and animal) in the family is grating on my last nerve.  First, believe it or not, is Franny.  She and I are very close, and she is generally easy-going, kind and helpful.  And even when she loses it, it’s usually because she is tired or hungry.  But, boy can that girl talk.  A lot.  I mean A LOT.  I mean, ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME.

Things she talks about: What she is doing, what she is thinking, what she saw on TV, what she saw on YouTube, what happened yesterday and lest we forgot, what happened a few minutes ago (which by the way, I actually WITNESSED HAPPEN a few minutes ago!)  She starts talking as soon as she wakes up and doesn’t stop.  I recently learned she even talks IN HER SLEEP.  And yes, the irony is not lost on me. There might be a certain blogger who also likes to talk.

Teddy, on the other hand, who is often moody and solitary, has become more open and even-keeled.  Unfortunately, his habit of asking what we are having for dinner has become more irritating than ever because of our close quarters.  Before the quarantine, it was the first thing he would ask when he would get home from school. Now, he asks it at around noon.  Since we are surviving on a diet of all of his favorite foods I don’t understand the problem. When is dinner?  What’s for dinner?  Can we have dinner?  It’s a depressing reminder that I will be making dinner for the rest of my life.  In fact, I once figured out that if I live till I’m 70, even if we eat out twice a week, I will still have to think of 5742 dinners before I die.

The dog, who is my best friend, (wait, let me amend that, I am HER best friend), has been acting wonky.  She is following me around even more than usual and can’t seem to figure out why I am sharing my love with others.  Social distancing is not in her lexicon.

Shockingly, the person who is bugging me the least is Ted. Generally, when he is home he likes to follow me around.  Thankfully that hasn’t been happening too much.  In fact, the only annoying thing so far has also been amusing: Watching him try and adapt to a standard stay-at-home lunch.  Even before the quarantine, Ted struggled with eating lunch at home.  For many years he would seem confused about why we weren’t having a full meal at lunchtime.  Where is the three-course meal of soup and salad and a hot sandwich?  Where is the appetizer?  (He mentioned to me that when he was little his mom would make burgers in the morning for him to take to school.  Ummm, that ain’t happening here, mister.  Eat your peanut butter sandwich like everyone else).  So this being the first time he has been home during the day for a significant amount of time, he is bewildered.  The other day, his attempt at a “sandwich” was three slices of American cheese on a hamburger bun.  I noticed later he had added chips and salsa to the INSIDE of the sandwich.  Help me.

One week down.  Two to go?

Day Four: (Tuesday, March 17th)

Today I decide to put on makeup. I don’t really know why since I have been wearing the same clothes for three days.  But even though I am doing my part in conserving detergent, somehow the laundry is piling up.  How can so many clothes be dirty when WE AREN’T EVEN LEAVING THE HOUSE?? I call a family meeting to discuss laundry rules: Pajamas can be worn more than once.  Pants can probably be worn twice.  Shirts and underwear go in the laundry at the end of the day.  People pretend to listen.

Speaking of rules, it has only been four days and the “stockpile” of food I wrestled for last week is diminishing faster than you can say, “Who ate the last apple?” Which happens to be exactly what I say when things come to a head.  Like some sort of combat warlord, I start telling the kids they can have only one non-water drink a day.  “These Gatorade and ICEE’s and La Croix are expensive and not meant for casual drinking!!  I show my proficiency for homeschooling by inserting division into everyday conversation. If we have a total of 30 cans and bottles, at four people having two a day, we will be out in FOUR DAYS, people!”

Meanwhile, Franny has continued to keep her earbuds in non-stop.  Even while doing homework she is talking to her friends.  Most of the time I can’t tell if she’s talking to me or them.  When she doesn’t have the earbuds in, she is face-timing with them.  I make a mental note to make sure I am always dressed when I walk into her room after I see a friend’s dad in the background of one of the calls.

Day Five: (Wednesday, March 18th)

By Wednesday I have lost track of what day it is.  Are we at the weekend yet?  Is it still March?  Did I miss a big holiday or anything?  It rains all day so being stuck inside is making things worse. And even though the days are long, for some reason the evening always seems to arrive too quickly with my kids asking, “What’s for dinner?”

Menu I made to make things seem more fun around the house.  Notice all the meat crossed out as my attempt to be funny!  It did not work. They tossed it aside and asked for plain waffles.

Did I mention we are fasting from meat for Lent?  As if it weren’t bad enough to be sitting around eating all day with nowhere to go, we are surviving on carbs and junk food.  I started out with high hopes that I would create a meal plan of 14 healthy and varied meals and rotate through them three times leaving some days for leftovers and eating out. Unfortunately, eating out is no longer an option. And “left-overs” don’t really exist with four people in the house.  Add that to the fact that my kids don’t want to eat anything with eggs, tuna, or beans in it, and we are down to a rotation of pizza, pasta, and soup and salad every three days.  Not even kidding.  I am like Fat Bastard over here shouting at everything in my line of sight, “Get in my BELLY!”

Day Six (Thursday, March 19th) 

It’s raining again.  If it weren’t for this being another e-learning day, I would be huddled in the corner in the fetal position.  This is the day I hit my low point.  (But remember, I am blogging a week behind here, so hindsight has shown me I am nowhere near my low point).  Adding to my irritation,  Ted has been randomly quoting The Shawshank Redemption to anyone and no one.  I finally reach the end of my patience and yell “Just so you know, the more you talk the more you end up in the blog!  Anything you say CAN and WILL be used against you!”

But those stories I will save for next week. 🙂

Day Two (Sunday, March 15th)

Day Two starts much the same as Day One, except we don’t sleep in as late.  I refuse to give up my routine of my daily Starbucks. At this point, the stores are still open and I can drive-thru and just spray down my drink when I get home.  It’s a sunny day and we go for a family walk with the dog and wave to the rest of the neighborhood from six feet away.  Franny builds another fort in her bedroom and Teddy and Ted drive around a bit so Teddy can get credit for some Driver’s Ed hours.  We finish our Monopoly game and start Risk.

I peruse Facebook to see that even though it’s only been two days, people are taking advantage of the free time and using Facebook for what it’s truly meant for: making you feel bad about yourself.  One person remodeled her entire bathroom yesterday.  Another one painted her living room.  Someone taught herself to knit and has draped the entire neighborhood canine society in scarves.  Don’t forget about the lady who made a scavenger hunt inside her house for her kids.  My feed is filled with Rube Goldberg machines made voluntarily.  What on earth?  Coloring and art projects and homemade applesauce.  Here I am feeling good about the fact I have taken over Europe in Risk, meanwhile, Next-Door-Nancy has already sewed 400 face masks for the local senior citizen home!  Not even a pandemic can stop the competition.

I decide to start MY big project for the day which is cleaning the refrigerator.  It ends up taking me five days.  Pop quiz: How soon after you clean the doors of the fridge will the handles become sticky again?  Answer: About five minutes.

This is pretty close to how it went down:

3pm: Wipe down handles                                                                                                       3:15pm: Notice they are sticky and wipe them down again.                                          3:20pm: Notice they are crusty and wipe them down again.                                          3:25pm: Notice they are sticky and wipe them down again.

You get the picture. For a group of people who are supposed to be washing their hands diligently, someone in this house is cutting corners.  I stop JUST SHORT of checking hands to find the culprit.  This goes on all day until I give up.

Side note: You may be wondering why I was opening the fridge door every 5 minutes.  SHUT. UP.  That’s why.

Day 3 (Monday, March 16)

Ted goes in to work!  I mean, Ted goes in to work.  (See blog from 10/18/18 “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” to see how I feel about Ted working from home).  It feels more like a normal day so I pretend it is. The kids and I take a long drive to go get my contacts (a necessity for sure) and stop at Target on the way home.  I make the kids stay in the car while I get the necessities. It turns out the necessities are Pringles and crackers and trail mix and coffee and chocolate chips and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I also catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realize I don’t have any makeup on.  I hadn’t even realized.  It only took three days for me to let myself go.

Later that day, e-learning emails start to arrive. Apparently, the superintendent told the teachers to send things in triplicate.  They arrive via email. And Seesaw.  And Twitter.  They arrive for each child.  They from every teacher.  I mean EVERY teacher.  Don’t forget to practice your instrument! Art projects are due on Tuesday! The gym teacher says play dodgeball with your siblings! The music teacher says sing sing sing! The soccer coach said practice your skills 30 minutes a night!  The band teacher sent you trombone BINGO!  Much to my children’s dismay, there is even VIRTUAL SUNDAY SCHOOL!!

And let’s not forget the suggestions from social media resources.  There are virtual museum tours and free scholastic websites and online national parks tours and don’t forget to watch the otters getting fed at noon and Josh Gad is reading to kids at night and also Mo Willems is doodling at lunch…😂😂  SO MUCH FREE TIME!!!  This quarantine is going to be soooo relaxing.  I think I’ll go refinish my floors.  

It seems March 2020 has been canceled. (and yes, spellcheck just informed me I spelled canceled wrong.) This whiteboard, which is usually bursting with color-coded activities, is blank. We even made a paper chain to get us through the next three weeks because quite frankly, the only way I can cope is by thinking in terms of three weeks.

Every generation has their world life event that they look back on and remember with extreme clarity.  For my parents’ generation, it was JFK getting shot.  For me, the tragedy of September 11th is ingrained in my memory.

I hope my children don’t have too many of these events in their life.  But I know that this quarantine will be one of them.  Someday, they will look back at their life and count this as a surreal point in time.  And we are just beginning. How I felt Friday is completely different from how I felt Tuesday and how I feel today.  Things are changing so quickly that I have no idea what will be going on in the world next week or tomorrow.

DON’T STOP READING…IT’S GOING TO GET FUNNY!!

First, let me start by issuing a disclaimer.  I am taking this virus very seriously.  My intention is not to be flippant about the severity of what’s happening.  But we could all use a little humor and let’s face it, staying at home with all of our family members for an unlimited amount of time is going to be HARD.  That being said, being at home with all of our family members is also going to be HUMOROUS.  Even if it is the kind of “I want to strangle you right now but someday we will look back on this and laugh” sort of humor.

So please enjoy my online journal as I document my time as a mother, cook, maid, laundress, mediator, and now, homeschool parent.

Side note: It’s too bad that I used the intro to the Real World when I blogged about my summer vacation last year because honestly, there is no better description right now than those words: This is the true story, of four family members, stuck in a house, living together, working together, except we can’t leave.  Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.

Day One: (Saturday, March 14th)

No one gets out of bed until noon.  This is not a lie.  It’s almost as if we live in the southern hemisphere and have no idea if it’s day or night with nothing to do and endless amounts of time to do it.  It is day one and the kids are happy.  They both texted me from school yesterday excited they had so much time off.  Franny spends most of the day making a fort in her room.  I can hardly believe it. Maybe this will be a time for renewed creativity?  Back to the good old days before technology!  Nope, it turns out, she has been face-timing with all of her friends the entire time.  And when I say face-timing with her friends, I mean SEVEN GIRLS are talking to each other at the same time in their respective forts.  Good thing we are past the days of shared data plans.  She asks if she can hang out with them.  Ummm…you ARE hanging out with them.  And also…UMMM…NO?  Why do you think there is no school? We are supposed to be staying AWAY from people.  She spends approximately 8 hours on the phone with them, but she is keeping herself busy and she isn’t on traditional electronics so I’m ok with this virtual “hang.”

Teddy also asks if he can hang at his friend’s house?  UMMM NO?  I am not understanding why everyone thinks this is some fun vacation.  He is MAD.  He decides that if it’s too dangerous to hang with four kids at a house, then certainly 100 are too many to be with tomorrow at church.  He announces he will NOT be going to church for safety purposes.  Unlike his sister, he has not made any sort of a fort and I assume is not talking with his friends since as far as I am aware, he DOESN’T SEEM TO KNOW HOW TO ANSWER TEXTS OR PHONECALLS.   He settles for playing Xbox all day.

Later that night church is canceled.  It’s an unprecedented move and stunning to the church metropolis.  I can tell from my kids’ faces they are torn between fear (things are bad if church services are canceled) and masked glee (we are getting a vacation from church!)  I guess they have momentarily forgotten their dad can find an online Divine Liturgy faster than he can sniff out the last banana.

We end the night playing Monopoly.  A game I usually groan at, but since we have all the time in the world and still like each other, it seems appropriate.  I am out sooner than you should be while playing Monopoly, even WITH houses on all the yellow properties and Boardwalk.

Today has seemed ok and like a regular weekend.  We order pizza and still hand cash to the driver with a shared wink, haha, this will be over soon and see you next Saturday.  (oh, yes, hindsight tells us that next Saturday I will be choosing between “contactless delivery” and “curbside pickup”.)

Day one is in the books and we still have hope.  I can DO this for three weeks.

Post note: I realize I am a week behind.  Believe it or not, I have been busy with all this “time off” and so I am playing some catch up here. But honestly, does it even matter?  At this point, I don’t even know what day it is.  And let’s face it, how much stuff can happen within my four walls?  Also, my mental health may get to a state where these diary entries might get ugly.