humor, Uncategorized

Tick, Tick..Boom!

It was an ordinary Friday morning. Which meant I was running late.

It was 7:30am and I was still in my bathroom putting on my makeup. I had to make my lunch, eat some breakfast and (hopefully) grab my Starbucks Vanilla Cream Cold Brew and still be at work by 8am.

Which meant that per usual, my hair would go up into a ponytail, causing me again to wonder why I spend close to $200 every three months at the salon when I don’t use my hair to its full potential.

As I pulled my hair back, I noticed a black-ish scab on my hairline. Right in the middle of my upper forehead.

“That’s weird,” I thought. I didn’t remember bumping my head or scratching a mosquito bite there. I couldn’t recall a late-in-life pimple (oh yeah, I still get them) popping and healing.

I scratched at it, but it didn’t move. I scratched a little harder. Nothing. I moved closer to the mirror (because yes, I can’t see a thing due to terrible eyesight). As I moved my head toward the mirror, a terrible thought occurred to me.

TICK!!!

As I got closer, I could see that the black spot was not a scab, it was a tick. Even worse, it was a LIVE tick. Yes, I had a live tick embedded in my hairline, its body firmly attached to me with its eight legs flailing around.

Now, I am fairly calm in a crisis. I can make rational decisions and take over and lead the people to safety if need be.

Exception: Once, when my kids were around 2 and 5, our family was in the kitchen together. Ted and I were preparing lunch when I looked down at my feet as saw a mouse there. (The only thing I have been able to conclude from the multiple times I have played this trauma over in my head is that someone let the dog in from outside and didn’t notice she had a mouse in her mouth. I assume she was leaving this treasure as a present for me.) Anyway, the second I saw that thing I screamed (and I mean SCREAMED) and went running into our office, leaping on top of the desk while shrieking at the top of my lungs, leaving my children alone, fully embodying the “save thyself” mantra. It was not my proudest moment.

So let me rephrase that. I am fairly calm in a crisis that doesn’t include a live animal.

Back to the tick.

By now I was freaking out. Sobbing and crying and panicking but still, of course, conscientious enough to text my coworkers that I would be late and by the way there was a tick in my head.

Now, I work in a grade school. Occasionally, we see a student come into the nurse’s office with a tick attached to them. In fact, just the week before, the school nurse, Olivia, had removed a tick from a student’s head while the poor boy was wailing and crying. At the time, I was fascinated with the whole procedure. But truth be told, I was also internally shaming him for overreacting. Mind you, this was a 10-year-old.

One week later and God was teaching me a lesson in empathy and humility.

I texted Olivia that she needed to get to my house now and remove this thing. We decided to meet at the school where the official tick-removing tool was. I was in no shape to drive, so Ted took me and dropped me at the door. Thankfully, my coworker, Diane, was already closing all the blinds in the nurse’s office and readying the room as if I were having surgery (which I kind of was). Less than 10 seconds later, Olivia had popped that sucker right off my head and placed it in a to-go bag for me.

After doing all sorts of research, I discovered that it was a male dog tick and was pretty harmless since it had not been attached long and left no mark. I am going to assume the culprit was the female husky that sleeps all over the house and rubs her body in any gross thing she can find in the yard. This is the first tick experience in the 24 years of living in this woodsy yard, so I am going to pray it was a one-off.

It has been a couple of months, and I still find myself itchy and paranoid and checking my dog periodically and trying to stay away from trees and bushes. I worry about every mark and piece of dirt on my skin. The other day I saw something small and black on my desk and jumped out my chair only to realize it was a crumb from the mint chocolate chip protein bar I was eating.

Overall, I would place this experience somewhere between the Fall of 2014 when we had lice in our house and having myself cut open twice during my C-Sections. Lice lasted much longer, but for some reason didn’t freak me out quite so much. Having C-Section’s is a longer recovery, but at least you end up with a baby at the end.

Then again….those babies stay attached to you much longer than that tick did…..:)

The tick that was in my head
Tick identification chart

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Uncategorized

Rite of Passage

If you are of a certain age, you may have already experienced the dreaded colonoscopy. Since I have a family history of colon cancer, I had my first one when I was 35 and have continued to have them regularly since then. As many people will tell you, the prep is usually worse than the actual colonoscopy. I mean, who wouldn’t want some alone time under a warm blanket, get in a fifteen minute power nap, and wake up to some Lorna Doones waiting for you? 

So a couple of weeks ago Ted was due for the second colonoscopy of his life. The first one was five years ago. Back then, after the nurse had taken him back for the procedure, I had run out to get myself a coffee. When I returned, the entire waiting room was looking at me as I walked in.

“Are you Samantha?” someone asked. “They have been calling for you!”

Apparently, Ted had had the quickest colonoscopy known to man, and the nurses had been looking for me for several minutes while I was gallivanting around town. I sheepishly walked back hiding my iced mocha behind my back so I could tend to the patient. 

Side note: Lots of my stories include me showing up somewhere late because I was getting a Starbucks. I almost missed the beginning of my son’s high school graduation because I was getting a drink, and by the time I arrived there weren’t any parking spots left. I had to do the walk of shame up the bleachers, squeezing myself into my seat as “Pomp and Circumstance” played. 

As I said earlier, the colonoscopy preparation is usually worse than the actual procedure. First, you have to fast for a whole day. Now, that might not seem hard, but let me tell you…it IS!! Going a whole day without food is not easy. By about mid-day I am usually wondering how those people who have been stranded in the wilderness or lost on a raft at sea made it for days on end without anything to eat. I become very sympathetic to those rugby players who resorted to eating their friends after their plane crashed.  Then, after not eating for twelve hours, you have to drink the most disgusting liquid ever created in the history of man. Over the years, advancements in medicine have helped to create more palatable potions to help you expel everything in your body, but apparently my doctor is old-school. He still likes the old standard: a slightly gelatinous, never-fully-cold-enough, faintly salty fluid. Just thinking of it makes me gag. And of course, there is a time constraint where you have to drink around 54 gallons of this stuff in an hour. 

And then comes the real injustice of the day. 

Just when you are saying to yourself, “I don’t think this stuff is working,” you suddenly need to make a beeline to the bathroom, shoving all people, dogs and furniture out of the way so you can get in there in time. And there you will stay off and on (literally) for the next 8 hours or so. 

As Ted prepared for his procedure, Franny and I were business as usual that day. Now, a nicer wife would have been supportive and maybe had a bland dinner or eaten in secret so as not to make things worse for their spouse. However, that is not me. And this is because of an incident that happened during my very first colonoscopy many years ago.

Ted was invited out to dinner with some work colleagues. I may have been invited, (I honestly don’t remember), but I do remember telling him to just go, that I would rather have some privacy than have him stay with me and miss out on the dinner. When he got home that night, he had a huge piece of delicious chocolate cake with him. One of his coworkers had ordered it for me and sent it home with Ted, telling him that he hoped it all went well for me in the morning. I put it in the fridge, looking forward to eating it the next day.

The next day after I got home, I took a nap and rested a bit. I came downstairs to dig into that chocolate cake…and saw it wasn’t there.  

“Ted,” I asked, “where is my cake?” It had been less than 24 hours. What could have happened to it? 

“I ate it,” he said. “I’m sorry.” 

Readers, I don’t need to go into what happened next, but it was on par with when he mentioned he was “tired and hungry” mid-way through my 16-hour labor with Teddy. 

This is a legendary story in our house. And this is why Franny and I didn’t feel bad getting Panera for dinner.

The next day we drove to the clinic where Ted was having his colonoscopy and parked. Right before we got out of the car, he shut off the engine and turned to me. (It is important to mention here that Ted is a bit of a hypochondriac and highly suggestive. If we have chicken for dinner and several hours later I mention that I think maybe that chicken was actually a few days older than I thought, he will immediately get a stomachache. If I have a cough one day he will wake up with a worse cough the next day. If he goes to the doctor for standard check-up and the doctor orders routine blood work, Ted will tell you the “doctor is very concerned and is ordering blood work.”) So I braced myself for what was coming as he looked at me very seriously.

“Now, I don’t want to be on any life support or hoses. I have a one million dollar life insurance policy. Make sure you talk to our lawyer if anything happens.” 

“YOU’RE HAVING A ROUTINE COLONOSCOPY!” I shouted. “The worst thing that’s going to happen is someone is going to eat your chocolate cake! I’ve had four colonoscopies and we have not once talked about my final wishes!”

He was not receptive to this response.

Thankfully, all went well. I stayed in the crowded waiting room so as not to get yelled at again. Ted got the all clear. And I didn’t have to execute his DNR.

I just wish I had known about that life insurance policy beforehand…

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